


CHARACTER STUDY - Dorian Pavus

by Bipolar_Armitage_Hux



Series: The Lost Age [7]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Mobster, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Sex Worker, Character Study, Coming Out, Descriptions of Bulimia, Dorian has an eating disorder, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emetophobia, Homophobia, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Internalized Homophobia, Multi, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Kissing, Self-Hatred, Tevinter Imperium
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-04
Updated: 2016-08-04
Packaged: 2018-07-29 09:51:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7679794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bipolar_Armitage_Hux/pseuds/Bipolar_Armitage_Hux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A character study of Dorian Pavus within my own mobster / sex worker / modern AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	CHARACTER STUDY - Dorian Pavus

**Author's Note:**

> Written because I have writer's block, can't sleep and I thought this might help give some more incite into AU Dorian. Also - I'm not good with differentiating between romance and platonic stuff being aro, so the relationship between Dorian and Maevaris is purely a close friend one. Enjoy!

Dorian always knew he was different. He was always a little feminine and he knew from a very young age he liked boys in the way people told him he should like girls. Not in a sexual way until he hit puberty of course, but he liked looking at them. When he was in primary school he wanted to hold their hand and maybe play hide and seek with them. At his school the boys and girls were separated but Maevaris had managed to bypass that by not telling anyone that she was a girl until a good ten years later. Dorian was the first person Maevaris told that she was a girl and she was the first person he told that he liked boys, she told him first when they were in the playground. Dorian had been teased mercilessly and pushed to the ground - the other boys did what children raised by the close-minded do and took a dislike to the quiet boy at the back of the class. He was too clever, _girly_ , he was... _Different_. So there he was, sat in the large playground at the upstanding, upper-class primary school. Him and Maevaris were sat cross-legged on the grass behind a tree were none of the bullies could find them, they whispered too each other and shared the biscuits their parents had put into their lunchboxes. Dorian still had tears staining his cheeks and grazes on his knees, his new grey leather buckle high tops his mother had bought him two days ago were now scuffed and covered in mud. He had promised her that he wouldn't wear them to school, they were for formal occasions only but he loved them. He saw himself going to school in them and everyone looking at him, thinking he was so handsome and everyone wanting to be his friend. He had hidden them in his bag and switched his shoes round in the cloakroom, no one noticed his new shoes apart from Maevaris who complimented them as soon as he sat next to her. He smiled, that was something. The other boy's made fun of them, _they were for girls_ they said, laughing at him. If that wasn't bad enough, as soon as he'd get home his mother would notice... She seemed to have a talent for only being around when he was trying to hide from her. If he was lucky, his Nanny would help him hide them. If he was lucky. He could hear his mother's shouting and screaming now, he wanted to cry more at the thought. 

"I hate them," Dorian said suddenly, voice thick with tears. 

"They're awful! And stupid, I have to sit next to Lucius in Literacy after lunch," Maevaris responded sticking her tongue out. 

"No, I mean these," he said solemnly picking at his buckles. 

"But their great!" Maevaris insisted gasping. "Their so pretty, I love the buckles! And you look so handsome in them!" 

"Their stupid, why do I like them so much? I just wanted Lucius to-" Dorian stopped and blushed, continuing to pick at his shoes. Maevaris put her hand on his and smiled softly. 

"Wanted Lucius to what?" She asked gently. 

"I really... I think he's really nice - to look at I mean. I like his curly black hair and the way it falls into his eyes, he sits next to me in Mathematics and he furrows his brow when he's confused. And he always asks me for help, and his brown eyes widen a little when he figures things out and-" Dorian blushed. "I... I think I like him, like, _like him_. I think I like him - I think I like boys the way I'm supposed to like girls." He sat in silence for a moment, waiting for Maevaris to run away but instead she leaned closer to him so his lips are in his ear, with her hand still on his. 

"Can I tell you a secret?" She said, Dorian nodded. "I think I want to be a girl," she finished before leaning back and looking at him with nervous wide eyes. Dorian smiled, he was just so happy that Maevaris hadn't run away. 

"That's okay! If I like boys you can be a girl," Dorian insisted, leaning towards her and giving her a hug. "Thank you," he added quietly. "I asked my Nanny if boys could like boys once and she just shouted at me." 

"Boys can totally like boys!" Maevaris replied. "My papa, he has a special friend who comes round sometimes, they kiss and cuddle. I call him Uncle Gaius!" Upon hearing this news, Dorian's eyes lit up. 

"Really? So ... Boys do really like boys sometimes?" He replied in a hushed, gleeful tone. 

"Yep!" Maevaris responded proudly. "And! If I can be a girl it's okay if you're not like other boys!" 

"Yeah! And if I can like boys that means you really can like girls!" Dorian replied feeling the knotted up anxiety in his stomach relax instantly. Maevaris leaped into a hug knocking Dorian back, not caring that his mother would be angry about the mud all over his sweatshirt and shorts. Maevaris kissed Dorian on the cheek, still giggling. 

"Thank you," she whispered as the hugged each other tighter. Dorian's face was still lit up, unable to express how happy he was in this very moment. Dorian and Maevaris's relationship had stayed the same, when she turned ten she asked if he could call her May and 'she' pronouns. He struggled a little at first but tried his best, he gave permission to Maevaris to pinch him if he got it wrong. She rarely had to do so. At this point Maevaris seemed to get more confident and Dorian didn't, he buried the jealousy that built around this. As much as Maevaris didn't mind that he wasn't interested in girls, as soon as he reached secondary school he realised that that wasn't quite the consensus in Tevinter. In year seven they had a sexual education session in Biology class, he asked about men having sex with men... He was sent out of class, shouted at by the professor as he stared at his shoes. They called his parents and he had to experience the same thing at home, he began to realise no one would accept him apart from Maevaris. He knew before then, but he had hoped since Mavaris had reacted so well that other people would. It was at that moment, when he was stood listening to the old professor shout at him that he would never tell anyone again. He would hide it and try to like girls, try to be normal. He had to. 

His plan was to only talk about how boys were pretty with Maevaris, that way he could get it out of system. That didn't quite work. He tried to repress the way his heart skipped a beat when he sat next to the pretty boy in chemistry as he felt his breath hit his neck as he was helping him with his experiment. He tried not to focus on the fact he thought he was pretty. When he was fourteen he tried to kiss a girl for the first time, they were both drunk at a party he excused himself and threw up afterwards disgusted at how he led the girl on even though he never had an interest in her. The kiss wasn't bad, she was a very nice girl but it just wasn't for him. He stumbled and cried as he almost ran home, when he sneaked in the entrance he woke up his Nanny. She hugged him, ran him a hot bath, laid out some clean, warm pajamas. He slipped them on, slipped into bed and ignored the fact his stomach rumbled. His body deserved it, he thought. His stupid, broken body deserved to be punished. The next morning he was awoken with breakfast in bed- an orange juice and crispy bacon sandwich. He smiled at his Nanny, she had sneaked this from the kitchen there was no way his mother would let him eat something so greasy for breakfast. She put her finger to her lips and quietly walked out of the room. He drank the orange juice and stared at the sandwich. His stomach rumbled, he wolfed it down and was barely aware when he ran out. He stared back at his plate and felt disgusting, like a monster he pushed away the tray with the empty glass and plate, knocking it over onto his sky blue sheets of his king-size bed. He jumped up, ran to his on suite, locked the door and knelt in front of his toilet. He pushed a finger down his throat, and tried to gag. It didn't work, tears went down his eyes and he coughed but it didn't work. He pushed two down, he wheezed and had to pull his hand out of his mouth. The tears started to flow - he didn't like women, he couldn't even make himself throw up. He was useless. He grabbed his toothbrush, stared at it wildly for a moment and fell back to his knees. He shoved the handle down his throat, it worked. His bacon sandwich and orange juice came straight back up. 

Over the next few years Dorian tried harder - he decided he needed to hide who he was and what he was doing. No one could know he swayed between binge eating, skipping meals, and causing himself to vomit. He pretend his low self-esteem didn't exist (the son of a magister couldn't have self-esteem!) He sneaked off the parties like any other teenager, he had a lot of friends in secondary school... He tried not to focus on the fact they were all girls. At least this way he could hide his attraction to boys, he'd pretend he was just talking about the boys they liked as he shared a knowing look with Maevaris. When they hit fifteen, she came out to everyone. It isolated her at school but Dorian didn't leave her side (as much as parents tried to make him.) He fought for her, stood beside her and used his wit to destroy anyone who dared speak ill of her. They became closer, and Dorian pretended he wasn't jealous that she could be herself. 

At sixteen, Dorian gave in at a party and kissed a boy for the first time. It was a stolen kiss in the bathroom of a school friend, he was beautiful with green eyes and long blonde hair. He pretended he didn't remember anything about the party the next day "I was so wasted!" he proclaimed repeatedly avoiding Dorian at all costs. They both knew he was lying, Dorian pretend it didn't hurt but one thing made him feel better. There really were over people like him. He became a bit more confident in who he was - he learned he could be himself but quietly. He had a long list of partners, some sleazy hook-ups, some repeated encounters with acquaintances, quite a few ended sooner than he would have liked. Sometimes he didn't care, he let middle-aged men use him, beat him, take advantage of him. For a very long time he would wonder how many of those encounters were technically rape - he tried not to think about it as he drank himself to sleep at night. When he was eighteen he decided he wanted to tell his parents the truth, they didn't like it. He tries to block out the memories of his "coming out", the screaming, swearing, shouting, smashing of glass and his father's words "You're not my son." Those words he'd hear when he tried to fall at sleep at night for years afterwards. The argument ended in Dorian running and slamming the door. He didn't know where to go at first, he ran to the train station, found himself at the airport. All he knew is he wanted to get as far away as possible, so he took the next plane to Val Royeaux. 

The rest is similar to most of his stories of Tevinter, he found a brothel and started drinking. Those days passed in a bit of a blur and he was never quite sure in what order everything happened. What he did know was this- he was now an erotic dancer who people travelled across Orlais to see perform, he was a recovering alcoholic (ten years sober and counting), and his whole life changed when he met the thin-for-a-qunari Kaeto and his boyfriend Iron Bull. No one had ever told him they loved him before, no one except for Maevaris.


End file.
